2017
I’ve never been a big fan of the whole New Year’s faff. Obviously I appreciate how major milestones can offer the ideal opportunity for reflection, but I’ve never been one to make promises I know I won’t keep just because it’s the 1st January. What’s wrong with every other day? When are we going to start celebrating New Month’s Day? Happy four-o’clock everyone!
I must admit, I am glad to see the back of 2017, though. Without being too maudlin, this has been an extremely challenging year for me – in this moment, it feels like it’s been the most difficult 12 months of my life. Maybe with the passing of time I’ll come to reflect on this period and realise it wasn’t as difficult as it first seemed, but I’ve definitely struggled.
There are a variety of factors that combined to make this year so emotionally and physically draining, and even in this personal space, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to open up about them all. The hardest thing has been my health, however, which really stole my focus from February through till the end of the summer – and still isn’t properly resolved. (See my previous post ‘Skin Deep’ if you’re really curious.)
I’m fine, by the way – the issue has never been catastrophically serious. And thus these words are definitely tinged with guilt: I shouldn’t have let an unpleasant but ultimately manageable medical complaint affect me to quite the degree that it has. But while I’ve certainly felt unwell and even occasionally in pain, it’s the mental side that’s really pulled me down.
The problem I’ve had is that the condition has been relentless, and there were certainly points earlier in the year where I reached some of the lowest ebbs I’ve ever known. I feel like I shielded this from most people, and I’m glad I did. I’m not sure anyone could help me escape from the dark places I went to – it’s just something I had to navigate on my own.
As a more positive aside, I’ve really fallen in love with the NFL this year. I adore the Olympics so I’m no stranger to trying new sports, and I’ve always wanted to give American football a chance but never really bothered. Dozens of matches later – including two live in London – and I’m absolutely hooked on the game. It’s been so exciting learning about an entirely different sport that, until this year, was completely alien to me, and it’s reminded me that I must always maintain an open mind and keep trying new things. I won’t be besotted with everything, of course, but this small anecdote is evidence of why I must try and be as broad-minded as I possibly can – there’s a whole world out there full of incredible things, and it’s down to us to open our eyes to them.
I’m stronger now, and as a New Year tick-tocks ever closer, even I’m finding myself grateful for the reset. Life never slows down, of course, and I can already see new hurdles on the horizon. But the key difference is that I feel like I can clear them now, where I’ve found it difficult to muster the strength to leap for large portions of this year.
I must admit, 2018 does scare me a bit. It means it’s now been 10 years since I left high school, but in so many ways I feel like time has stood still. That’s not true, of course – I’ve changed a lot. And yet I’m not always sure whether I’ve progressed or regressed from the energetic 18-year-old who felt like he had the world at his fingertips. Maybe I’ve been given a reality check – or perhaps I’ve ceased dreaming so big.
Funnily enough, I was having a casual conversation with someone a short while ago, and I was asked: “What would make you happy? What do you consider success?” I couldn’t answer then, and I still can’t answer now. I feel a clawing in the soles of my feet; I feel a nervous energy in the pit of my stomach. They both fuel my desire to achieve.
But achieve what? And why?
I guess my resolution (New Year’s or otherwise) is to find the answer to that question.