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I really don’t want to rant on here anymore. And to be honest I know people don’t want to read what a “tough” time I’m having because in reality I’m not having a tough time at all. Everyone has periods like this and I know that. But to be perfectly frank I started up this blog in the first place to right posts like this. As someone to talk to. And if a couple of people decided to start reading this site why should I stop for the sake of sounding like melodramatic cock-shaft?

I think I’ve pretty much published every living possible opinion I have on “people” and “life” at least twice since I started this blog.

Disappointingly I’m not getting any new opinions on anything. I think I’m burning up or something. I feel a bit like the world’s turning and I’ve jumped off - and yes I know the easy response to that is: do something about it. But I can’t.

I’m pretty much in limbo. I don’t think anyone can really comprehend unless they are me  and I know - God I know - what advice I would give to someone else if they described my situation. But God have I learnt over time that advice doesn’t work at all. Advice is not what you need to hear, it’s what you want to hear. It doesn’t work.

So I’m exaggerating on pretty much all counts. I’m not starving, ill, grieving. Nothing like that at all. It’s all good to be honest. I just feel so unfulfilled. I’m really in (like I already said) limbo. Everything that’s happening is depending on something else. And it all depends on waiting.

I’m playing the waiting game. Twiddling my thumbs. Whistling “Daisy Lane” by the phonics. With melancholy thoughts at the forefront of my mind. You see:

• I can’t sort out living arrangements at uni ‘cos I technically haven’t been accepted yet. If, on the small off chance I don’t get accepted, I’m fucked. It’s also not right having people wait on me and it makes me feel awful but what can I do?
• If, on the big off chance I do get accepted I have to wait until September to go. A waste of a year. I could and will work. I might (try and) save. But I’ll still have to contend with having no one around me. I didn’t think not having people nearby would bother me that much but it has pretty badly. I wasted all my time in the past year pushing Hannah away instead of spending time with people I genuinely like and have grown up with. Blah.
• If, on the small off chance that I ever got the girl I love back - I’d have to wait - for seriously prolonged periods of time before I got to see her. It wouldn’t hit her as hard - she’d be with all her new friends. I’m just pestering her now - texting her every-other-day just to remind her I exist.
• If,  on the big off chance that I never got the girl I love back - I’d have to wait - at least ’till 2011 (OMG!) when I finish uni. And who knows what will happen in 3 years time. Fuck loads. FUCK LOADS. Urgh.

I give up. I’m sick of waiting. I’m sick of time. It goes too fast when you don’t want it to and too slow when you want it to. I want the time to go fast at the moment but again I’m scared of wasting my time away.

Shit.

1PM already. Oh well - that’s another morning out of the way.