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Gutsy But Still Ugly.

She ate testicles and stuff. She has more guts than I gave her credit for.

Ewww. ^

I promise not to write about I’m A Celebrity too much. Like I’ve already said, I have an inexplicable affection for the show and well… I just quickly want to give quick summaries on all the people I’ve never heard of because first impressions count for everything, right?

I currently like:

George Takei.

Carly Zucker

Because… George is God and Carly wotsherface (who is famous for going out with Jo[k]e Cole! WTF?) seems like she’s going to be a larff. Plus she’s genuinely ten times hotter than the other bimbo they’ve put in for the “lads”.

I currently don’t like:

Nicola Mclean. Ewww.

Kilroy. Twat.

Becuase… Nicola is a yucky tacky looking bimbo who seems to have no idea what she’s doing in the jungle seeing as she complains about everything. And Kilroy is a twat.

I couldn’t care less about:

… all the others.

GO GEORGE AND CARLY! BRAP!

The Game Can Look This Good. But Not Often.

Quantum Of Solace is obviously the latest Bond game to tie in with the new movie. It’s out on just about every system you could imagine, ever.

What I liked:

• Quantum Of Solace uses the Call Of Duty 4 engine. That means every bullet feels ultra satisfying, the multiplayer matchmaking algorithm is wonderful and everything just feels smooth as fuck in the gameplay.
• The cover system is well implemented - you’ll be able to run towards any nearby walls and snap Bond behind them allowing for some pop-and-shoot gameplay. You’ll need to use the cover too if you want to survive as the game has been tweaked with this in mind. The levels are well designed to include enough unique spaces to hide behind.
• Early on in the game some of the environments look phenomonal. Bright, colourful and exaggerated. I’d almost like to say it has a lovely look to it but… well it only looks great sometimes.
• The train level was better than most Goldeneye levels. When you race to jump across the seperating train, run through the rain and watch Daniel Craig’s clothes drip when in cover — it looks brilliant and the level has some awesome set pieces.
• The Golden Gun multiplayer mode is great fun. This mode has players competing to takedown the person with the Golden Gun.
• The “poisoned Bond” mission. While gimmicky it was fun controlling Bond’s journey from the card game in Casino Royale to the defib in his car. Some of the visual effects are impressive.

What I didn’t like:

• Single player is ridiculously short. You’ll literally only spend about 4 or 5 hours completing the single player portion of the game. Thankfully the hardest difficulty is particularly tough so will keep you occupied for some time.
• To boot the single player is relatively linear. There is usually only one route you can take and while the missions are generally well put together; passaged blocked by boxes or strips of fire are particularly “video gamey”.
• The multiplayer mode “Bond Versus” is too drawn out and frustrating. In this mode one player is Bond, trying to defuse two bombs while all the other players work as a team to take Bond out. Everyone has a turn as Bond and given each round can be 5 minutes long, it’s… well… irritating.
• The graphics in cutscenes and later levels are horrendous. In the final level I questioned whether I was playing the Playstation 2 version of the game. Clearly more attention was paid in the earlier levels.
• The story is tied together by a series of debriefing sequences that become a little muddled throughout.
• The title of the game is misleading. Most of the missions in the game are from Casino Royale.

Overall, Quantum Of Solace is definitely a solid shooter. It fails to ever make you feel like Bond and has it’s ups and downs in the graphical stakes but if you’re happy to overlook the length of the game there is plenty of fun to be had from the competent shooting mechanics and multiplayer modes.

7/10.

This Post Is Not About Edward Scissorhands.

I know it’s for charity and that’s very good. Kudos to the BBC for getting in these… erm… people to do a shit job of cutting the average Joe Bloggs hair. However, I have two questions:

1. If they want to earn donations shouldn’t they put it on earlier than 1AM?
2. If they want to earn donations shouldn’t they have gotten people we’ve actually heard of.

I couldn’t sleep last night so ended up watching this trash and I only knew one person (funnily enough another ex-Eastender [proof there is no life after soap]). It turns out I knew the Jessica lady too but I just couldn’t get a proper glimpse of her face. The one off The Real Hustle. You know. The really hot one:

/Cums.

Anyway - seeing as I can’t be arsed to do my “research” please could you explain to me how the following PEOPLE are going to raise any money for charity because I don’t know who they are:

• Chris Perry-Metcalf
• Jeff Leach
• Kym Mazelle
• Lee Macdonald
• Lucinda Ledgerwood
• Sabrina Washington
• Scott Robinson
• Stedman Pearson

Seriously, anyone who can tell me who two of the people from that list are without using Google wins a prize.

Ant & Dec = lol.

I hate reality TV with a passion but I have a guilty pleasure when it comes to “I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here”. I wouldn’t like to say everyone does but I’m sure a great deal of Big Brother bashers like myself do secretly watch “Get Me Out Of Here”. I dunno what it is about it but there’s certainly something fun about finding out which nobody “celebrity” has to eat crocodiles arses.

Every year me and my Mum find out which “celebrities” are going into the jungle and have a laugh over how many we’ve actually heard of. So seeing as this years list has finally been announced and my Mum’s away — I thought it would be “lol” for me to look at the list of names and see which ones I’ve heard of.

• Brian Paddick - erm?
• Carly Zucker - erm?
• Dani Behr - Big Breakfast… I think?
• Esther Rantzen - my Dad told me.
• George Takei - erm?
• Joe Swash - Eastenders’ Mickey.
• Martina Navratilova - pretty sure she used to be a tennis player.
• Nicole McLean - erm?
• Robert Kilroy-Silk - the chat-show hosting politician? NO WAY!
• Simon Webbe - boyband guy.

So let’s tot up the scores: 5 “erms” (if you include Esther Rantzen), 2 maybes (further research tells me Dani Behr was on The Big Breakfast) and 3 certain answers. The ratio for “don’t know who they are” to “do know who they are” looks about right so I can conclude that this will be an amazing series.

Now we just need to watch to find out which one is in the obligatory “shower scene”, which one ends up doing 1,001 Bushtucker trials because the public have a mix of hate and lol over them and which ones just sit in the corner and make no attempt to reinvigorate their career.

Should be fun.

I Still Love You Russell!

Russell Brand has quit his radio post on Radio One because of all this Satanic Sluts scandal. He apologised here. He feels he’s not making people happy anymore. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is paying the bills. I promise to never post about this again.

Not A Suggestive Image.

Wow, in a whirl-wind twist of amazing Z-list celebrity hypocrisy, my post on Georgina Baillie and Russell Brand almost made this website explode last night. Like literally… the servers are almost crashing as we speak.

So naturally I need to follow up this surge of hits with another piece of hit-driving propoganda. And with a series of “I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here” just around the corner I’m totally toting the maybe-Brand-banging goth to be on the plane to Australlia next month. Who’s with me?

*runs off with tail between legs*.

"The Comments Russell Brand Made About Sex Deeply Offend Me." - Georgina Baillie

I mean look, I like Russell Brand, I think he’s kinda what this country needs when we’re constantly surrounded by homophobes, bullies and just general twats. Brandy is a confident character who’s not afraid to be who he is; maybe he plays that up a bit and is totally false but at the end of the day he gets more pussy than most of us, right? Thus lies the point British-stereotype readers.

So on the point of this whole prank call palaver the newspapers are having a field day over: does anyone find it slightly ironic that the girl in question, Georgina Baillie, is a “Voluptua” in a vampire themed dance group called the Satanic Sluts? We know voluptuous means very, very sexy but after I UrbanDictionary-ed the word “Voluptua” I found it to mean “beyond voluptuous”. The lady at the centre of the controversy is clearly not a girl who is afraid of her sexuality then considering she wanted to be a Page Three girl.

Now, I’m not going to pretend to understand the whole situation because frankly I don’t but I just found it confusing trying to understand how the girl could be so “hurt” by some phonecalls that pay homage to the kind of conversation that goes on in all schools. You know, schools, where teenage kids go. Shock horror! Was the world not aware what little Timmy talks about with his mates?

I don’t agree with prank phonecalling and I certainly don’t agree with upsetting senior citizens. I don’t even think the kind of thing Brandy and Wossy did was appropriate but look… I just don’t get how you can play the “innocent” card when your career revolves around the words “Satanic Sluts”.

If you’d like to know more about Georgina Baillie and how innocent she really is just search for her Bebo.