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Gutsy But Still Ugly.

She ate testicles and stuff. She has more guts than I gave her credit for.

Ewww. ^

I promise not to write about I’m A Celebrity too much. Like I’ve already said, I have an inexplicable affection for the show and well… I just quickly want to give quick summaries on all the people I’ve never heard of because first impressions count for everything, right?

I currently like:

George Takei.

Carly Zucker

Because… George is God and Carly wotsherface (who is famous for going out with Jo[k]e Cole! WTF?) seems like she’s going to be a larff. Plus she’s genuinely ten times hotter than the other bimbo they’ve put in for the “lads”.

I currently don’t like:

Nicola Mclean. Ewww.

Kilroy. Twat.

Becuase… Nicola is a yucky tacky looking bimbo who seems to have no idea what she’s doing in the jungle seeing as she complains about everything. And Kilroy is a twat.

I couldn’t care less about:

… all the others.

GO GEORGE AND CARLY! BRAP!

This Post Is Not About Edward Scissorhands.

I know it’s for charity and that’s very good. Kudos to the BBC for getting in these… erm… people to do a shit job of cutting the average Joe Bloggs hair. However, I have two questions:

1. If they want to earn donations shouldn’t they put it on earlier than 1AM?
2. If they want to earn donations shouldn’t they have gotten people we’ve actually heard of.

I couldn’t sleep last night so ended up watching this trash and I only knew one person (funnily enough another ex-Eastender [proof there is no life after soap]). It turns out I knew the Jessica lady too but I just couldn’t get a proper glimpse of her face. The one off The Real Hustle. You know. The really hot one:

/Cums.

Anyway - seeing as I can’t be arsed to do my “research” please could you explain to me how the following PEOPLE are going to raise any money for charity because I don’t know who they are:

• Chris Perry-Metcalf
• Jeff Leach
• Kym Mazelle
• Lee Macdonald
• Lucinda Ledgerwood
• Sabrina Washington
• Scott Robinson
• Stedman Pearson

Seriously, anyone who can tell me who two of the people from that list are without using Google wins a prize.

Ant & Dec = lol.

I hate reality TV with a passion but I have a guilty pleasure when it comes to “I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here”. I wouldn’t like to say everyone does but I’m sure a great deal of Big Brother bashers like myself do secretly watch “Get Me Out Of Here”. I dunno what it is about it but there’s certainly something fun about finding out which nobody “celebrity” has to eat crocodiles arses.

Every year me and my Mum find out which “celebrities” are going into the jungle and have a laugh over how many we’ve actually heard of. So seeing as this years list has finally been announced and my Mum’s away — I thought it would be “lol” for me to look at the list of names and see which ones I’ve heard of.

• Brian Paddick - erm?
• Carly Zucker - erm?
• Dani Behr - Big Breakfast… I think?
• Esther Rantzen - my Dad told me.
• George Takei - erm?
• Joe Swash - Eastenders’ Mickey.
• Martina Navratilova - pretty sure she used to be a tennis player.
• Nicole McLean - erm?
• Robert Kilroy-Silk - the chat-show hosting politician? NO WAY!
• Simon Webbe - boyband guy.

So let’s tot up the scores: 5 “erms” (if you include Esther Rantzen), 2 maybes (further research tells me Dani Behr was on The Big Breakfast) and 3 certain answers. The ratio for “don’t know who they are” to “do know who they are” looks about right so I can conclude that this will be an amazing series.

Now we just need to watch to find out which one is in the obligatory “shower scene”, which one ends up doing 1,001 Bushtucker trials because the public have a mix of hate and lol over them and which ones just sit in the corner and make no attempt to reinvigorate their career.

Should be fun.

Bumble Bee is NOT a shit hot cool-dude-radio-talking-super-warrior. He is a spy.

Not A Camaro.

ITV Have Reported A 28% Drop In Profit Over Last Years Figures

After hearing first thing this morning that ITV have filed a profit slump of 28% following a drop in advertising revenue the first thing that came to mind was all the shit they show. No doubt business analysts are (probably correctly) touting the drop in advertising revenue as a direct result of our good friend “the Credit Crunch” (anyone else sick of that word yet?) but it would be lousey of said people to not detail the lack of quality programming.

Maybe I don’t “get it” but I speak for the whole range of terrestrial British television channels when I say that none of them show anything that particularly interests me at all. To prove a point I looked in my Radio Times to find out exactly what is on ITV tonight after 5PM.

• 5PM: Golden Balls - Jasper Carrott hosts the show in which four contestants enter a game of truth and bluff to find life-changing amounts of cash hidden inside a set of golden balls before making the final choice of whether to share the jackpot or try to keep it for themselves.
  VERDICT: REPETITIVE SHIT.
• 6PM: National and local news.
  VERDICT: NOT AS GOOD AS BBC NEWS.
• 7PM: Emmerdale.
  VERDICT: SHIT.
• 7:30: Coronation Street - Jerry finds a flat for Teresa, but her reluctance to move drives her to take drastic action. A rejected Bill resolves to get Audrey back and Darryl warns David he might have gone too far in his perfect boyfriend campaign. Dev begins to feel like a pawn in Prem and Nina’s marital games.
  VERDICT: SHIT.
• 8PM: The Bill.
  VERDICT: SHIT.
• 9PM: Trinny & Susannah Undress The Nation - the duo teach women to love their bums.
  VERDICT: WTF?!
• 10PM: News At Ten.
  VERDICT: BBC NEWS IS BETTER.

So there you have it - right there is the reason why ITV profits rightly should be faller and so should all the other TV channels. To make this a fairer article I would like to point out that Channel 4 is showing Big Brother and Location, Location Location; Channel 5 has Britains Strongest Man and Vets In Action; ITV2 has “Lose 30 Stone Or Die” (yes, really); and BBC has the National Lottery, Crimewatch and fucking Des Lynam.

I’m fully aware that each of these shows have their own niche with programmes like the soaps, X Factor type contestant shows and Big Brother pulling in millions of people regularly but I’m going to look honestly at the TV guide and see if there is ANYTHING I would actually watch.

I’m sure I could force myself to watch the soaps and Des Lynam’s Sports Mastermind. Aside from that I’d probably watch Crimewatch if I was forced to. I could live without watching any of them. In fact in recent years the only real “prime-time” TV show I’ve watched has been Pushing Daisies.

I know I’m just an individual voice and there are plenty of other people enjoying what these terrestrial TV stations are putting out, but I’m sure I’m not alone when I say nothing really appeals to me. If profits are dropping it’s because quality has dropped.

David Platt With Onscreen Other-half Tina McIntyre

Adorning the cover of every “What’s On TV”-esque guide I’m constantly greeted by the smug grin of Jack P Shepherd and his portrayed Coronation Street character David Platt. Now I could probably just about put up with seeing his smug, punchable face every week if the storylines attached to his character weren’t constantly bloody-irritating:

• “David goes psycho!”
• “David pushes Gail down the stairs!”
• “David goes to young offenders.”
• “David steals a car!”
• “David goes psycho part. II!”
• “David is fucking gay.”

… ok so I made up the last one. But you get the drift. Will the Corrie writers please stop writing the same story over and over and over again. There are other characters in the soap you know — people will still tune in if there’s a few weeks without David fucking Platt doing something “oh-so-badboy”! Well actually - I wouldn’t tune in anyway; but I’d be more likely to tune in if there was no David Platt.

To be honest I don’t blame Jack P Shepherd for the irritating stories that constantly grace the frontpage of the newspapers. What I do blame him for is his irritatingly punchable face. Does he really have to do that annoying smirk for everything he does? Is that the only way he knows how to construct his face?

Anyway thank God his girlfriends having a baby and he’ll be off the covers of magazines for a few weeks. Hang on - a baby? Isn’t he about 12? You know those “celebrities”…

Imogen Bailey & Erin McNaught set to spice up Neighbours

If there’s anyone that stops by on this site and watches Neighbours I would presume you do so because of ladies like her and her. Or am I being terribly sexist? Either way I couldn’t care less - the point is Neighbours needs more terrible actresses that are easy on the eye. It’s what the show does best right?

Imogen Bailey is set to play Nicola West and has a history in wearing bikinis and making awful funky-house records:

Erin McNaught is set to play Sienna Cammeniti and also has a history involving wearing lots of bikinis due to the fact she’s former “Miss Australia”. And you think how many hotties there are in Australia that must take some work right?

Anyway, these new ladies are sure to spice up the show for all of a month until everyone realises the storylines are shit again. All the same here are some pictures to keep you going:

Erin McNaught a.k.a Sienna Cammeniti

Imogen Bailey a.k.a Nicola West

Ahem.